Out Cast

For many years i have felt this, i have lived this, for years i had to listen wile they make fun and talk behind my back, still, till this day there are the most horrible stories about me.  Its so weird and so nasty and i just don’t understand it. Its like i am the most hated person, for some reason that i just don’t know. But what i do know is i am true, i am loyal, i keep your secrets even when you beat me with a stone. I am always there to pick up your pieces and help you to glue it all together. I never tell lies about others, but they tend to do that to me… maybe they jealous or maybe i am just that person you judge for no reason.

Even at family events, they all pretend, but no one has respect for me, when i was young i made mistakes like marry the wrong person, then being a single mom, then going out with a man that abused me in so many ways i cant count, they will never let me forget it. Nothing i say matters to them, they don’t know me. 28 years of hard life lessons, but they still don’t know. Its all about status, and how they wanted me to be, perfect like the rest.

I feel lonely sometimes, i need interactions with friends, they just never put me first on their list.

But i am writing this sad story and boring story for myself, because at the end i realized, that some one will be so lucky to have me as a friend, I am different and i don’t care if my mom wanted me to be perfect, i don’t care that i was not some ones first priority, i am proud, i did this all by myself, broken heart, broken bones, confused mind, the darkness that was so often there, the lonely ness, i did it all by myself, with a 2 year old, that was most of the time sick in the hospital, yes the emotional suffering too, i cried alone i did it all.

I am so proud of my son, i am so proud of how strong i am now, looking back it doesn’t seem so bad, I only wanted a Hero, i only wanted that one person to say, just for today let me help you. But silly as i am, i have realized that i do have a hero, where would i have been today if i didn’t have my son, his the reason i had to get up, wipe the tears, get up and provide for this little person, crying will be for the shower when his asleep,   He is the reason i want to live, his the reason i feel complete now, even when they talk lies behind my back, even when i am being treated as a out cast, i still love my life, there will be sad days and there will be dark days, but i  have my son, and i have my pets, and i have my talents, and some day some one will see it, and we will just drink wine and play board games, is that so much? don’t think so.

Oky i am done 🙂

 

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